Wow. A winter break could have never started on such a horrible foot. Winter break was something I was looking forward to since summer; literally, and when I mean literally I literally mean literally that I was literally counting down the days till the winter break that has just started now. Over this break, my family and I were going to embark on a too-good-to-be-true journey to Paris, Italy, Vatican City, and London for our full two weeks off. I know I'm going to use the word literally once again, but this vacation we had planned since spring (AND totally paid the thousands of dollars for) turned out to literally be too-good-to-be-true, because our whole trip is going to be cancelled due to the news that actually is the root cause of my terrible start of winter break.
The news was agonizing to hear. My grandfather, my Darji (what I have called my grandfather basically since I was born), and also my best friend, has been severely ill for the past few weeks. But what was actually going on with Darji was completely unknown until recently when he finally got a CT scan done for himself. It's very, very unfortunate that my Darji has been diagnosed with a tumor in the bottom right side of his brain. Whether it is a benign or malignant tumor, my family will be finding out tomorrow, but my father will be going to India this week to visit him.
The combination of the possibility that I may never get to see the grandparent that I have been closest to alive ever again and the cancellation of the once-in-a-lifetime vacation that I had been awaiting for since the beginning of summer has shattered my whole winter break into a million pieces. Literally, millions. I cried for hours and hours today, and I don't know when I will return to being the jolly and hyper self I usually am. The way in which I was looking forward to this break cannot be expressed simply in words, nor even tears. Sigh, let's see how these two weeks go...
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
In the Midst of Gloom
I swarmed in claustrophobia as the darkness was dancing around me. I could hear the footsteps of the darkness as it slowly augmented the pounding in my chest. I attempted to seek refuge under the thin blanket my skin was clinging to, but I could only feel that darkness swirling in great proximity, as if it were trying to lure me. Concealing myself led to the penetrating heat of my cramped haven, but exposing myself led to the confrontation of the darkness. Do not open your eyes till morning, do not open your eyes till morning. Recurring thoughts were constantly hovering over me; the mysteries of this darkness were meddling with my senses. Please allow me to sleep, please allow me to sleep. I could only turn to my great upper being now and I requested, requested and requested. I was never to sleep this early ever again.
I guess this is something we all have to admit to, fear. And now, I admit I am very fearful of the darkness. This is mainly because darkness itself has no definite connotation; it's ambiguous, for the most part. There are so many happenings in the darkness and during our unconsciousness that we will never know of. Darkness will always be the great enigma of humanity, the more we think about it, the more perplexing and sinister it will be.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Lunch Ordeal
Today my whole family was off to drop off my grandparents at the airport for their extremely prolonged journey across the globe. Through my understanding, we were all to have lunch at the airport and then accompany the travelers to security. But apparently this was not so. And for some reason this very fact had become a big deal for me...all day long.
Once we all chose a table and scattered away to look at the restaurants around us (we were supposed to be looking for a simple snack to eat or a drink), I went ahead and purchased a massive salad, with the permission of my mother (who, of course, gave me permission without telling me that no one else in the family would be eating a meal). As I got back to the table we had chosen, I received my surprise of the day.
I was at the sheer end of the table, directly facing the family. I placed my salad on the table and I only got back eyes. Eyes that stared at me, then my salad. Me, then my salad. I realized that there was nothing else sitting on the table besides my salad. Then out of all the quiet I heard a, "Wow." It was my uncle on the right. I curved my head slightly to the right until I heard my father next, "And you didn't bother asking anyone else?" My mother then jumped in and stated, "She said she wanted it so I let her." I whimpered, "Aren't you all having lunch as well...?" All of a sudden a collection of negations flew out to the air by every single member of my family present. I guess I was the only one that assumed lunch would be eaten at the airport.
My insides then started boiling. I'm still deciphering why this moment affected me so much, but at that moment I was breaking down. I was fuming. And then I blew all the smoke on to my sister, who had been sitting right across from me. I knew inside that it was not a big deal, not at all. But for some odd reason, I had reacted so strangely to this little peak of embarrassment. At this time, only my grandparents and cousin were with my sister and I. It was when my father came that things got a little worse for me.
My father came over to the table and started to point and laugh at me. This created an immense lump within my throat. Then the smoke was blown over to my father. I was extremely rude to my father and tears started to tumble down my face. I don't even what I was saying, but all I know was that I wasn't doing the right thing, at all. But I was still fuming. There were too many emotions occurring within me at the time, that I guess I just didn't know what to do with myself and all I could let out was anger. I knew my father had become very unhappy, and I couldn't face him.
This was all just one of the many silly embarrassing moments I have had within my lifetime, but I still don't truly know why my behavior turned into a disaster at the moment. My sister and I are back to normal now, but I still haven't confronted my father yet. Although at the moment I thought it was everybody else's fault except for my own, I now know that it was my own fault. I created my own emotional cyclone, and I yet have to figure out how.
Once we all chose a table and scattered away to look at the restaurants around us (we were supposed to be looking for a simple snack to eat or a drink), I went ahead and purchased a massive salad, with the permission of my mother (who, of course, gave me permission without telling me that no one else in the family would be eating a meal). As I got back to the table we had chosen, I received my surprise of the day.
I was at the sheer end of the table, directly facing the family. I placed my salad on the table and I only got back eyes. Eyes that stared at me, then my salad. Me, then my salad. I realized that there was nothing else sitting on the table besides my salad. Then out of all the quiet I heard a, "Wow." It was my uncle on the right. I curved my head slightly to the right until I heard my father next, "And you didn't bother asking anyone else?" My mother then jumped in and stated, "She said she wanted it so I let her." I whimpered, "Aren't you all having lunch as well...?" All of a sudden a collection of negations flew out to the air by every single member of my family present. I guess I was the only one that assumed lunch would be eaten at the airport.
My insides then started boiling. I'm still deciphering why this moment affected me so much, but at that moment I was breaking down. I was fuming. And then I blew all the smoke on to my sister, who had been sitting right across from me. I knew inside that it was not a big deal, not at all. But for some odd reason, I had reacted so strangely to this little peak of embarrassment. At this time, only my grandparents and cousin were with my sister and I. It was when my father came that things got a little worse for me.
My father came over to the table and started to point and laugh at me. This created an immense lump within my throat. Then the smoke was blown over to my father. I was extremely rude to my father and tears started to tumble down my face. I don't even what I was saying, but all I know was that I wasn't doing the right thing, at all. But I was still fuming. There were too many emotions occurring within me at the time, that I guess I just didn't know what to do with myself and all I could let out was anger. I knew my father had become very unhappy, and I couldn't face him.
This was all just one of the many silly embarrassing moments I have had within my lifetime, but I still don't truly know why my behavior turned into a disaster at the moment. My sister and I are back to normal now, but I still haven't confronted my father yet. Although at the moment I thought it was everybody else's fault except for my own, I now know that it was my own fault. I created my own emotional cyclone, and I yet have to figure out how.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Sikh Gurdwara Shooting
The Sikh Gurdwara Shooting occurred in Oak Creek, Wisconsin on August 5, 2012. Six innocent lives were lost.
I am a Sikh, an American Sikh, and I am exceedingly proud of being both an American and a Sikh. Late Sunday morning, when the shooting initially occurred, I was with my group of Sikh students who were learning Kirtan (a Sikh form of hymns sung in melodious manners). And it was during this time that I heard of the news. The whole group encompassed the television and the tenor of the room turned into one that I had never felt before. It was and still is extremely agonizing to digest the fact that something like this could actually happen. Someone literally entered the Gurdwara, a place allowed for everyone regardless of any differing beliefs, and used the advantage to harm innocent civilians in a place of absolute serenity and worship. It's even worse to know that the Gurdwara is a place where all Sikhs are eagerly anticipated to go to. It is not only where Sikhs worship, but also where they learn about their rich history, learn the words of their ancient language, congregate with the people of same beliefs and teach others about their beliefs. I myself visit my local Gurdwara on Sundays and have been since the very beginning of my life. Gurdwara Sunday has been embedded in every Sikh's life and one cannot even imagine such a demonic act to transpire on a day so important to any Sikh. But this is not only a tragedy for Sikhs; it is a tragedy for all humans in every corner of the world.
The most despairing part of this is that worshippers were targeted which is just so unexpected. This also makes me feel that I could have been in the same incident, but it is exceptionally difficult to feel this because the whole puzzle of the occurrence is such a contradictory.
No human regardless of beliefs, creed, sexual orientation, race, or gender deserves to witness such terrorism. I hope that we as the human race can only move on with this horrendous incident and gain the knowledge needed to prevent horrific incidents such as the Sikh massacre.
I am a Sikh, an American Sikh, and I am exceedingly proud of being both an American and a Sikh. Late Sunday morning, when the shooting initially occurred, I was with my group of Sikh students who were learning Kirtan (a Sikh form of hymns sung in melodious manners). And it was during this time that I heard of the news. The whole group encompassed the television and the tenor of the room turned into one that I had never felt before. It was and still is extremely agonizing to digest the fact that something like this could actually happen. Someone literally entered the Gurdwara, a place allowed for everyone regardless of any differing beliefs, and used the advantage to harm innocent civilians in a place of absolute serenity and worship. It's even worse to know that the Gurdwara is a place where all Sikhs are eagerly anticipated to go to. It is not only where Sikhs worship, but also where they learn about their rich history, learn the words of their ancient language, congregate with the people of same beliefs and teach others about their beliefs. I myself visit my local Gurdwara on Sundays and have been since the very beginning of my life. Gurdwara Sunday has been embedded in every Sikh's life and one cannot even imagine such a demonic act to transpire on a day so important to any Sikh. But this is not only a tragedy for Sikhs; it is a tragedy for all humans in every corner of the world.
The most despairing part of this is that worshippers were targeted which is just so unexpected. This also makes me feel that I could have been in the same incident, but it is exceptionally difficult to feel this because the whole puzzle of the occurrence is such a contradictory.
No human regardless of beliefs, creed, sexual orientation, race, or gender deserves to witness such terrorism. I hope that we as the human race can only move on with this horrendous incident and gain the knowledge needed to prevent horrific incidents such as the Sikh massacre.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Death
For a long time now, I've been getting these micro-weird epiphanies about death. When I get these little epiphanies, I suddenly fall into this abyss where I travel with deep thoughts that are vastly out of my ordinary world.
But seriously, things get really bizarre when my mind goes into the thinking of death. I first start to think about what my theories of what happens after death. Such as maybe we just continue dreaming or we just stay in a place similar to here on Earth and continue having a conscious. Then comes the question that tends to make me trip...
Doesn't the brain totally lose life during death, which means that it's impossible to have a continuing consciousness after death? Instead of making me fall a foot further into the abyss, it made me fall so much that I actually started to fear death.
Previously, I had never been afraid of death. I always just thought of it as another life after this one. But after I questioned about the consciousness, I got scared. I got scared because then I realized that without my thoughts and the act of thinking, I would be lost. Lost and far, far away from everything and anything that I love. As a picture of this in my mind, it was all black and lonely. Black and nothing.
"Nothing" led me into another direction into the abyss I fell within. That is, another question (and theory). Is actual nothingness simply death? Now, I tried to think nothing-what is nothing-but this was consciously impossible. When I think of "nothing" I tend to think of a blank white screen or just plain blank white in general; sometimes even pitch black. But isn't this still something? So if a plain blank white screen and pitch black still are forms of consciousness, simply "nothing" can't signify what happens after death.
What happens after death is a greatly peculiar mystery that continues to haunt everyone. Whether it's the religious beliefs or the secular ideas of today that will win the race, we will all just have to find out when the time comes.
-Sehej
But seriously, things get really bizarre when my mind goes into the thinking of death. I first start to think about what my theories of what happens after death. Such as maybe we just continue dreaming or we just stay in a place similar to here on Earth and continue having a conscious. Then comes the question that tends to make me trip...
Doesn't the brain totally lose life during death, which means that it's impossible to have a continuing consciousness after death? Instead of making me fall a foot further into the abyss, it made me fall so much that I actually started to fear death.
Previously, I had never been afraid of death. I always just thought of it as another life after this one. But after I questioned about the consciousness, I got scared. I got scared because then I realized that without my thoughts and the act of thinking, I would be lost. Lost and far, far away from everything and anything that I love. As a picture of this in my mind, it was all black and lonely. Black and nothing.
"Nothing" led me into another direction into the abyss I fell within. That is, another question (and theory). Is actual nothingness simply death? Now, I tried to think nothing-what is nothing-but this was consciously impossible. When I think of "nothing" I tend to think of a blank white screen or just plain blank white in general; sometimes even pitch black. But isn't this still something? So if a plain blank white screen and pitch black still are forms of consciousness, simply "nothing" can't signify what happens after death.
What happens after death is a greatly peculiar mystery that continues to haunt everyone. Whether it's the religious beliefs or the secular ideas of today that will win the race, we will all just have to find out when the time comes.
-Sehej
Sunday, July 8, 2012
It's About Time
It's been a while since I've been journaling my life in my head, actually it's been a really, really long time. Based on all these crazy thoughts I've been logging, I feel it's important to spill my thoughts. And this is obviously not just for me, but for every individual out there. So I guess it's about time to start this. To start spilling out my thoughts to someone who would actually listen to me. (Myself, most probably).
For my whole life, I've been surrounded by certain aspects that I just don't like or just don't appreciate. People, places, and other things don't certainly come within this category. I feel that most of it is myself (once again).
Success is another aspect that has been subtly following me wherever I go, but it doesn't necessarily jump at me, or consume me. My parents, sister, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, school; everyone and everything circumscribing me has been consumed by success. I'm just here with success trying to grab me, or vice versa, me attempting at grabbing success.
Just yesterday, I was playing a game of Mario Kart with my sister, and I was trying so hard, putting every single bit of effort I had within me to win that 1st place, and I did. But then I questioned myself. Why am I not like this in the real world? Why am I not pretending that the real world is just like a race of Mario Kart? And it was then I realized that life is merely a game of winning success and allowing success to consume you.
All in all, it's myself and success that have been vexing me this whole time. It's about time to spill. And about time to step up my game.
-Sehej
For my whole life, I've been surrounded by certain aspects that I just don't like or just don't appreciate. People, places, and other things don't certainly come within this category. I feel that most of it is myself (once again).
Success is another aspect that has been subtly following me wherever I go, but it doesn't necessarily jump at me, or consume me. My parents, sister, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, school; everyone and everything circumscribing me has been consumed by success. I'm just here with success trying to grab me, or vice versa, me attempting at grabbing success.
Just yesterday, I was playing a game of Mario Kart with my sister, and I was trying so hard, putting every single bit of effort I had within me to win that 1st place, and I did. But then I questioned myself. Why am I not like this in the real world? Why am I not pretending that the real world is just like a race of Mario Kart? And it was then I realized that life is merely a game of winning success and allowing success to consume you.
All in all, it's myself and success that have been vexing me this whole time. It's about time to spill. And about time to step up my game.
-Sehej
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